Beer Is Bad - From Outhouse Logic
Drinking beer is bad for your health, wealth and it kills brain
cells. Beer muddles your speech and thinking. Beer smells bad
on the breath. It should be prohibited - - - oh, we tried that
already.
This is a sensitive issue for the author. His Indian name is
Running With Beer. He was instrumental in getting the following
declarations adopted by the Biffy Tippers of America.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes, when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer they might be out of work and their dreams would
be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I
drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy/Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in
the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friends at Caterpillar in Peoria were concerned about this writer's
drinking. So one night they took him up on the bluffs on the
East Peoria side of the river and said; "Look upstream.
See those lights? It's Pabst Brewery. They are making beer day
and night. Now look downstream. You see those lights? That's
Hiram Walker. They are making beer and booze day and night. Now,
do you realize that you just can't out-drink them?" I looked
upstream and downstream and then said, "Yeah, but I'm keeping
them working nights, aren't I?"
Little Known Author Frank Watts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Berry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a male plans for the future, it means buying several cases
of beer.
Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beer has helped ugly people have sex since 3000 BC.
Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E." except as in Budweiser.
Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation
in a can!
Leo Durocher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, Coincidence?
I think not.
Stephen Wright/HL Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cliff Clavin one afternoon at Cheers was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy, Norm. Here's how it went: "Well, ya
see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much
the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of
beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter
after a few beers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saving my favorite for last - something my dear wife cut out
of the paper for me. If the author's name is miss-spelled, forgive
me as it has been in my wallet for 45 years:
Prince Charming
He has fallen asleep again, watching TV,
The gay gallant knight who's married to me.
He promised me poetry read 'neath the trees -
My head on his shoulder, guitar 'cross his knees.
He swore we would feast on the bread of our dreams,
While champagne would flow in gay, endless streams.
Yet somehow I find him quite equally dear,
While snoring and clutching a half-empty beer.
Pat Stone Sher
The Biffy Tippers of America have developed
a new diet - "Beer and Whatever." The only limitations
with this diet are that you must have beer with whatever you
eat but it may not be consumed in the outhouse. Watch for coming
books, videos and media advertisements for this diet.
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